Reflections of C Qi

Since the beginning of this whole ordeal, I've really been touched by all the support and concern from everyone, regarding my health and seeing my success through this whole process. Success, in a complete sense, involves several victories with the most important one being the eradication the cancer. However, total success also includes having and showing the strength to see this resolution to its completion. This strength not only guides me physically and mentally, but sets the tone for my loved ones to know how to react and comfort themselves and each other through this struggle. As much as it is my obstacle; the emotions and realities are shared by us all. This newly created stress generates difficulty and must be acknowledged and addressed. Increased pressures and strain can be potentially destructive. True success will be found in not only eradicating the cancer from my body, but by doing in a way that brings my loved ones closer together in this time of mutual and personal struggle.

With that in mind, I wanted to describe to you how things are really going, without the sarcasm and light humor to distract from the reality and gravity of the situation. Everyone has felt the weight in their own way, but I truly feel like we are handling it as best as possible. I have seen great strength, love, and consolation in my family and especially my wife. My family and close friends have shared potential lonely times with me at the hospital and down times at home, keeping spirits up if only through silent companionship rather than active entertainment. An enormous community of loved friends have made incredible efforts to show support through bringing food, flowers, gifts, cards, and inspirational stories. This has been done both collectively as groups and by caring individuals. Ashley and I have been overwhelmed and touched EACH time by EVERY kindness you have shown and I can't begin to express what an important role you have played in easing my navigation through these trying times.

This cancer has been difficult for several reasons. For me the first and hardest complication has been watching my family have to endure these troubling times with anxiety and heartache. You know me; I love my friends and family and in many ways hold them equally close to my heart. Having to subject them with something as serious and frightening as this has been immeasurably unbearable. I've apologized to them all so many times for having to put them through this. Each time we both agree that I have nothing to be sorry for, but it doesn't completely resolve the feelings I have. I am sorry that I have to put this burden on my loved ones, whether it be their time, money, emotions, or anything that doesn't generate happiness.

Having said that, what can we draw from this experience that is happy? How can I or we view this year as something positive? There are the obvious resolutions. If you can get through this, everything will seem easier. Life is filled with unexpected complications and experiencing one is part of our development; building character, mental fortitude, and valuable experience to recognize, accept, and overcome problems that arise in the future for us all. Another valuable lesson is that we are all vulnerable and mortal. Life is precious and we should both cherish it and honor it, celebrating the body, mind, heart, and world around us. In our busy lives, it is imperative that we never take for granted all these gifts we have: our health, our family, our friends, our freedom, and our lives.

The cancer was a huge surprise. The shockwave knocked me to my knees as I heard the news over the phone in my kitchen. At that moment my tears turned to laughter, mainly at myself and my reaction. I have nothing to fear. I'm going to be fine; hugely inconvenienced for a year, but totally fine. Honestly, I look at myself in the mirror at least once a day and say to myself "you are not going to die." Every night when I lie in bed, I thank God for another day that I was able enjoy. In the larger scheme of life, this is merely an obstacle which must be respected, remembered, but most importantly and simply... overcome.

There are several phrases I have read or been told that have stuck with me throughout the past months.

"Cancer is just a cluster of abnormal cells, that's it." These cells can be (and are normally) removed by the body itself or if need be by modern medicine, including all the various types of treatments I'm undergoing. My prognosis is VERY positive overall after the year is over.

"You can't listen to statistics, because they're old news." All the stats we read are based on past studies, not future ones. They also represent groups not individuals. These are very important to remember.

"One day Jesus said to his disciples, "Let's go over to the other side of the lake." So they got into a boat and set out. As they sailed, he fell asleep. A squall came down on the lake, so that the boat was being swamped, and they were in great danger.
The disciples went and woke him, saying, "Master, Master, we're going to drown!" He got up and rebuked the wind and the raging waters; the storm subsided, and all was calm. "Where is your faith?" he asked his disciples. In fear and amazement they asked one another, "Who is this? He commands even the winds and the water, and they obey him." (Luke:8 22-25)


I know this is a bit out of the "norm" for my usual post. My intention was to help you understand how I'm feeling about the whole situation. In a nutshell the feeling would be: "this sucks, but I'm gonna get through it just fine." Yeah, it's a ton of time with doctors and in the hospital, but it could easily be with worse people in worse places. Let's face it, I'm here with them in order to get healthy again. My arm looks like something from the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, but it will heal. My bald head will grow back, and who knows, it might even be curly and I can grow that fro I've always wanted. Humor has always been an integral part of my life. It's created countless hours of laughter and entertainment, while at the same time has beautifully distracted unwanted sadness when appropriate. I'll continue to submit updates with a balance of fact, experience, sarcasm, and humor. I hope you find it as fun and therapeutic to read as I do to write.

Humble Thanks to All.