Arm check up in two weeks, CT scan on August 1, beach thereafter.

Wednesday went well. The graft is looking good enough to move away from the wet bandage to a dry one. Life is simpler and dryer. We’re really back to the point of dressing changes and graft appearance as we were last year with the first surgery. I could be out of a bandage in less than a month.

Although that idea seams great at first, I’m a little hesitant to dawn my new arm to the public. For those of you who haven’t seen the pictures, the skin is covering the wound, but there is a large void where the forearm used to be, especially close to the elbow. Because of the radiation treatments, surgeries to attach tissues had significantly lower success rates. A large portion of the flap died and was removed. Things do not look normal by any means and I might want to wear a skin toned fabric sleeve to cover the wound.

How do I feel about this? It’s a little disheartening. I’m lucky to have an arm, but it is by no means the one I had before all this began. As far as dealing with the deformity of my arm, I’m holdin in there as usual. I'm not thrilled, but life will move on and things will be fine. I might just cover the wound to make other people have an easier time with appearance, which will obviously make me more comfortable as well. This is not the worst thing that could happen by any means, and I’m happy to have the arm.

I also really started physical therapy Wednesday as well. So far I have finger joint stretches and hand motion exercises that if done correctly would only take close to twenty minutes of each hour, to be done hourly. So I guess I have a new job now… We talked about goals. I said I’d like to open and close my hand within a year. This was reasonable. It’s also a lot to swallow. I do want my hand back and look forward to seeing the progress, recognizing that it will be slow but hopefully steady. There was a massive amount of muscle and nerve removed from my arm. Currently, I’m going to meet with the therapists weekly and see where the road goes.

So we have an arm that doesn’t really look or work like it should… These things are truly minor…noticeably present and influencing in my life, but minor. I also have to adjust to some fairly significant pain left over from the surgeries, primarily nerve pain. When levels are low, there is just a tingling sensation. When levels spike, the feeling is more like crushing a light bulb in your hand and not being able to let go of the electric current. The pain can be shooting and at times, unreal to bear. This sucks. I don’t like it one bit. I'm attacking the pain from all angles. Hopefully it will go away. It most definitely has dramatically decreased since I was in the hospital. This excerpt from an email to my doctors explains the situation a bit more…

“Secondly, and ironically, is there anything else I can take or do for the nerve pain? Maybe I could try a different medication or potentially increase the 150mg dose or frequency of the Lyrica. The nerve pain is at a point where anything can spike the pain running through my hand…loud noises, sudden movements, etc. The pain is also constant and easily stimulated. For example: the corners of a balled up piece of paper feel like sharp spikes or rubbing the back of my hand across my beard stubble feels like holding your hand too close to a fire. I'm aware that this pain might subside further or even go away completely on it's own. I'm also a realistic person, and am aware that this might just be a situation that I have to deal with as a result of major surgery involving both primary nerves. Without trying to sound dramatic, I just wanted to see if there were any other options to explore.”

This is an honest Blog. I’ve tried to explain the experience as it is. Right now, it's pretty tough. Ashley and I are dealing with a lot; the physical aspects, the physicals losses, the never ending medical care at home, the long road of rehabilitation, the constant presence of real pain, and the looming schedule of chest scans. We’re handling it all amazingly well. We’ve blown out each other, set boundaries, described emotions of feeling unappreciated, and each time finished the conversation closer and more understanding of each other than before. What more can you ask for in a relationship? What more could you ever possibly want from the person who has to be dragged through this crap with you? Nothing… And in that, there is a massive positive force enough to grab hold of that pulls you from the places you don’t want to be…fear, depression, anger, and loss of faith. I hope that makes sense. Having my friends and family support me keeps my head up and drives me to stay positive. Having Ashley by my side through all this makes it both worth doing and remotely possible. Thank you, Ash. Thank you, God.


PS Yesterday, I got back in the saddle of acupunture, which has been an important element through this journey. Both my friend and acupunturist, Marc, and myself are excited about working through the healing from a different perspective. One that I'd enjoyed amazing success.